Another bug...?

Dear Nicky,

You arrived home in fine spirits this afternoon, but when dinner came, you tried to climb into your seat, and when I looked away for a second, you fell down and cried. That's when I noticed you felt hot. You ate nothing and barely drank anything. I gave you some mess and put you to bed early. When I checked you a little while ago, you seemed sweaty but cooler. I hope this bug passes quickly.

Love,
Dad

I'm back...

Dear Nicky,

It was sort of sad to leave Papou this morning, but he's so stubborn and inflexible it can get very annoying. Today we pretended nothing was going on, and I left. After I left him, I went to Target and got an iPad for your upcoming Tricky Tray, then went to the liquor store, then came home. When I got in you guys were so glad to see me. Everybody gave me a big hug, which really made me feel nice. You and June rushed into my arms with your sweet round faces upturned for kisses. It's so good to come to you guys.

Love,
Dad

Yia-yia's 6-month memorial...

Dear Nicky, Today was a long day for me. I was up before dawn, executing plans for my mother's six-month memorial. I took care of everything, and my dad did nothing, basically. There was some friction between us at the end of the day, with him getting in my face a little bet when I told him how stubborn he is. Anyway, I know you guys had a bunch of parties to go to today, and I hope they were a lot of fun. My trips up here consist nearly entirely of going to the cemetery or to the supermarket. I swear I will never put the burdens and guilt on you and your sister that my father has put on me since I was a boy. Love, Dad

Missing you...

Dear Nicky, Today was pretty boring on my end. I had a terrible night's sleep last night because my leg was totally jumpy. I ate a bunch of chocolate stuff right before bed, so the sugar made me restless. I woke up tired and was tired all day with Papou, whose idea of a good time is to go to the grocery store and then come home and sit around on furniture 40 years old and better suited to an Inquisition torture chamber rather a comfortable home space. But Papou is old and set in his ways and he's just used to things as they are because he know no better. I miss you and your sister, and I wish I could have seen Junie do her Gup test for her karate school. Mom says she did well and that you behaved well while observing. I love my family. Love, Dad

We do a little FaceTime...

Dear Nicky, This morning after you left, I dropped Junie off at school, then went home and got ready for my trip to New Hampshire to see Papou. It was a long drive, and the weather was particularly foggy in Conneticut, but traffic was not bad. When I got up here, I called home on the computer and said hello to you guys over the Internet using my powerful new laptop. Very cool, and nice to see my kids' gorgeous faces back home while using FaceTme. By the way, I heard you didn't win Crazy Hat at Stones; big deal, I think the fix was in. Love, Dad

Laughs at karate...

Dear Nicky, This afternoon when you came from school, it being Thursday, it was time to turn right around and head down to karate for Junie. Your behavior was just great: happy and cooperative. And when June was doing so well that her teacher went long with her and her fellow students, you still behaved great. We came home, everybody was good, and we ate a nice dinner. Love, Dad

Great burgers...

Dear Nicky, Mom has this author who sent us some frozen steaks and hamburger for Christmas. We've been working our way through them, and tonight we had some hamburgers that were so good they made me mad for not having them all the time. Earlier today Mom and I had a conference with June's kindergarten teacher who told us what a nice girl and a good student your sister is. Then we saw this little book she made that was on the bulletin board near her classroom. You should be very proud of your little sister. I'm so proud of both of you. Love, Dad

Mellow...

Dear Nicky, No power outages today, just a mellow afternoon and evening with no Wii, and little Star Wars movie. You know what's funny? We do this thing from The Princess and the Frog, where I imitate this lightning bug named Raymond and tickle you, each wave of tickling preceded by the quote from Raymond, "Don't you make me light my butt!" It's killer funny and cracks you up like mad. Earlier today June said she thought that I thought being with her was hard work. It sort of scared and shamed me, but sometimes it can be true. Does that make me a bad parent? Love, Dad

Outage...

Dear Nicky,

We were very lucky this evening. The power went out around 8 o'clock tonight. We were lucky because it didn't go out when I was making you guys dinner, which you ate brilliantly by the way, and it didn't go out while I gave you guys a bath, or while I was drying your hair. What a pain it would've been to lose power during those critical times. It went out just as we were putting our pajamas on. You guys were a little nervous, June more than you, but we all handled a difficult situation pretty well. You guys were good and brave.

Love,
Dad

Sometimes...

Dear Nicky, Sometimes I'm too hard on myself, and you, and your sister. I worry that I'm not up to snuff, that i'm inadequate for the task of fatherhood, that when you and your sister display minor, infrequent traits of bad or merely typical behavior, it will snowball into alienation and hardship later in life. Thinking liked that is called catastrophizing. It means imagining and expecting the worst, and it's wasteful and unnecessary and I wish I didn't do it, but being aware that I do do it is a kind of victory, I suppose. It's good because when I'm aware of it, I can catch myself and correct myself. Now today was a pretty great day for me dadwise. It was cold and gloomy and my back has been killing me all day, but June wanted to go sledding and I took you both, somewhat reluctantly, to this nearby school where there's a nice stretch of hill. We got all bundled up, loaded up our sled, and off we went. Mom stayed home to work on a manuscript. Honestly, it was a little work because you are somewhat clumsy all bundled up and you're kind of soft and squishy when it comes to holding on to things, so you and I made every ride downhill together. But June merely required a little verbal instruction and she took to it instantly and fearlessly. And you know what? It was fun for all of us. You both were so thrilled at sledding that your behavior was just excellent, inspiring, and pride-swelling. Despite the cold and my backache, we stayed for two hours, sliding down the hill, then trudging back up, over and over again, enthusiastic and brave. It really felt good to be with you guys this afternoon. Love, Dad

A little snowy...

Dear Nicky, So it was snowing today, not much but enough to make driving to karate this morning a little slippery. But your old dad knows all about driving in snowy weather, so there was no problem. But apparently other folks weren't quite so brave as us, and you had a nearly private lesson. Then we came home and I ran the snow blower and Mom took you guys to swimming. After finishing the driveway I met up with you guys and we went out to lunch. Afterward we came home and tried to make a snowman but the snow was too light and powdery, so we threw snowballs (very gently). We came in, warmed up, had a light dinner, a bath, then bed. Wholesome. Love, Dad

It's difficult...

Dear Nicky, Sometimes it's hard to stay positive when it feels like no matter which way one turns, there's another assault right to the face again. Love, Dad

Nice behavior at karate...

Dear Nicky, on Thursdays, as you know, we take June to her karate class in Scotch Plains. The timing is often tight due to the arrival of your school transport. But today was not bad. You cooperated in going on the potty, June didn't make things too difficult getting into her uniform, and traffic was light. When we got there, you played happily on my iPhone till June's lesson was over, and when we got home, you were both well behaved until dinner time. You guys ate okay, then went to bed easily. Mom went over to Stones to help wrap some more stuff for the Tricky Tray, and I had a little time to finish this book I was reading called The Plague by Albert Camus, a very good read. Love, Dad

Trip to the library...

Dear Nicky, This morning you guys were late to rise, and you barely touched your breakfast before it was time to trundle you off to school. But this morning I made a deliberate effort to be more patient, and I think I succeeded. Today at your school, they installed a smart board, and while that was happening, you guys took a trip over to the library next door. You were quite happy when you came home, ate a reasonable dinner, we played ghost a little bit, had a bath, then Mom arrived in time to put you both to bed. Love, Dad

I feel so guilty...

Dear Nicky, Most of the time I'm pretty patient with you. I think I'm reasonably objective about this. But this morning i was not. I wanted you to go on the potty and you refused, basically turning into a bag of jelly with a bad attitude, and I snapped and yelled at you. You looked stricken, and I immediately felt ashamed. I felt bad all day till you got home and I apologized during dinner. You, being the soul of forgiveness, forgave me at once, and I was whole again, but karma is a cruel mistress and a few minutes ago, you had a bad dream that made you cry out, "Stop, stop! Oh, stop it!" Now, realistically this probably wasn't related to my yelling at you, but it might have been, and that made feel ashamed of myself all over again. Always remember, tomorrow is a new day. Love, Dad

A cold day is good for laundry...

Dear Nicky, Nothing major going on today. No running around, unlike yesterday. It was 20 degrees outside this morning, so we were in no hurry to go anywhere. Later in the afternoon, I took you guys to Granny's so I could go to Wegman's. Then I brought you home and made you dinner. For dessert you had three brownies. Love, Dad

Little carnival...

Dear Nicky, No school today because of the MLK holiday, so we had a mellow morning. In the afternoon, I took you and June to the community center in Summit, where they had a indoor carnival-thing for special needs kids and their siblings. You and your sister had so much fun going down this huge inflatable slide and doing the games, like beanbag toss and spin the wheel for prizes, all very cute. You really liked the slide and worked yourself to exhaustion climbing up it. June liked winning the tickets at the games more than the prizes those tickets could earn. You enjoyed dancing at the end, too. And shortly after we came home, Mom returned from her trip and gave you guys a bath after dinner. Back to the usual tomorrow. Even though it was just the three of us this weekend, we did all right. Love, Dad

Very active day...

Dear Nicky, This morning when we woke up we all snuggled together before going downstairs. I made everybody some French toast that you guys really liked. Then we went to karate, came back and had some more food, then we went to swimming, which you really seem to love, then we went out for lunch at Chimney Rock, which was good for me because by that time it was past one o'clock and I hadn't had anything to eat or drink all day. We came home and had a nice bath, then watched a Star Wars movie for a bit, then had some steak for dinner. You and June were quite active today and I'm so glad you guys consumed a fairly large amount of calories. Love, Dad

Winter's here...

Dear Nicky, Today Mom went on a little trip for a few days. The wind blew a loose branch off a tree, which went through our deck like a bomb. A cold front's moved in for a while. We're safe and warm and we cuddled a lot this evening while we watched Attack of the Clones. Love, Dad

Farewell, iBook...

Dear Nick, This evening is the beginning of the Stones wrap nights, where a bunch of people from your school gather to wrap gift baskets for the annual tricky tray fundraiser. Apparently it's a major production, but what I think is that all these people working on this thing are a bunch of disorganized women. Anyway, Mom asked could they borrow my laptop, a 2004 Apple iBook, so they could keep track of all these baskets. I said sure, but now I'm regretting it for fear I'll never see my iBook ever again. It's like an old friend. This afternoon, we took June to karate as soon as you came home. Later you ate well but got a little silly playing with my iPad afterward. Oh well, we both go silly for tech. Love, Dad

Dental check up...?

Dear Nicky, We have an appointment for you in February, but I might take you to see my own orthodontist soon because your teeth are concerning me a little. Your incisors are coming in nice and big, but incredibly crooked and I'm wondering what if anything we can do about them. Could you put up with braces? Are they even an option? Love, Dad

Better mood...

Dear Nicky, Last night you were stuffy, so I gave you a little snoot of Benadryl. Now, this stuff works great and you slept very well, but this morning when it was time to wake up you were as cranky as I've ever seen you. You didn't even eat a thing for breakfast. Fortunately when you came home you were in a great mood. Your after school routine went very smoothly and you ate a great dinner. No doubt you were very hungry. You went to bed very happily too, so we'll see what your mood will be like tomorrow. Love, Dad

Back to routine...

Dear Nicky, You like routine amd I like routine. This morning it took me a little longer to get back in our routine because I was so tired, but you ate well for breakfast and dinner. This morning you happily made your way out to your ride, but when you came home this afternoon you were out cold. This is something we've been doing for quite while now. Love, Dad

I'm back to my family...

Dear Nicky, Came back home today. Was initially a little concerned because no one was here and there was an ice pack on the kitchen table along with a couple bandages lying around. Turns out Mom sprained her ankle making a misstep on the basement stairs. Granddaddy came over and helped out and took you and June over to their house for a while. Mom had gone to the store and when she came home, we dropped off a registration packet for junie to be a Daisey scout, then we went to you guys. It was so nice to see you kids and you both climbed all over me and gave me lots of hugs and kisses. I had a nice time away, but there's nothing like being with you guys. Even when things are tense I'd always rather be with you guys than anyplace else. Well, almost always ;) Love, Dad

Great kids...q

Dear Nicky, Mom told me how great you kids were in karate, and how June was an assistant in your class and how proud she was of it. She also told me you were both great in swimming, that you did well and followed the instructor's directions. I hear June was happy to be in the next level of swimming, too. Maybe this semester she'll get her face wet. I also heard June got a beautiful haircut and that you guys went and got Japanese food for dinner. Amazing! I can't wait to see you guys tomorrow! Love, Dad

Papou...

Dear Nicky, I'm worried about my dad, your grandfather. He's really old, and since Yia-yia died, he doesn't have that sort of stress that was almost beneficial to him to keep him strong. Although he sounds pretty good on the phone, he's starting to get forgetful, forgetting the names of things, which was how my mother got about a year or two before her complete decline. His mother lived to be 99, however. So maybe he's got a lot of time left. He wants to live with us, at our house. I just don't want the incredible stress that would put into our lives, my life in particular. I'd like him to move into this assisted living community nearby. It's a ten minute drive from us, in a nice modern facility. It's like a nice hotel. He won't hear of it. I fear he'll die like a dog, alone in his total stubbornness up there in that cave of an apartment he made us all crawl into 37 years ago. Death and dying reveals the truth about people if you're smart and pay attention: the people you think are good are never so good, and those you think bad are likewise never so bad, but at the end of the day for them and for you, the end of your time together, when they come out from under the great shadow that is this life, you can only do one thing: forgive them, and forgive yourself. Love, Dad

Missing you...

Dear Nicky, Haven't seen you since this morning. I'm in the city for the next couple nights. I think today Mom took you and June to karate this afternoon. Today was probably June only, and you kept Mom company. Can't wait to see you! Love, Dad

The patch...

Dear Nicky, This afternoon you came home from school a little drowsy, so I carried you in, as I so often do. You came around soon and I tried to patch your right eye like we do, but you would have none of it. Bribery and threats were ineffective. I tried to manhandle you but you struggled so mightily and cried so piteously that I couldn't continue. You win this round. Love, Dad

Still getting used to this...

Dear Nicky, Hey, again I almost forgot to recap today's activities. It's been so long since I did it on a regular basis, I'm a little rusty. Well, we got you off just fine this morning. I washed your jacket the other day so it was nice and clean for your first day back to Stones after the long holiday break. Mom packed you a big lunch. So when you got home you were a little drowsy from food, but you perked up quickly thereafter. I'm thinking we might want to check your thyroid or pituitary or something because your so sleepy all the time, and awake at all the wrong times. While you were at school, June and I went down to the gym. Today was chest and arms, and hopefully I can make it tomorrow for legs and back. Afterward we had lunch there. June had three eggs and a kids pizza. After dinner tonight, you wanted to play Wii and June wanted to watch a movie. I introduced the concept of flipping a coin to decide who got to choose. Both of you seemed to grasp it pretty well and we all agreed that it seemed a fair solution for our dilemma. I flipped, you won, June pouted. Then I gave you guys a bath, which is getting to be a real pain, since you both act like animals, but I still love you even though you're animals. Then it was bed time. It was wicked cold today and will be again tomorrow. Still, there is no snow on the ground and none in the near forecast, which is good unless we get clobbered in the next few weeks. I'll keep you posted. Love, Dad

The tooth...

Dear Nicky, Well, old habits die hard, don't they? I almost forgot to write today, and now it's late in the evening, just like the old days. This morning your loose tooth finally came out, the one that had practically been dangling by a thread. It came out when you were eating your peanut butter sandwich for breakfast. You just kept on eating with a mouthful of blood. June had school today, but you didn't so we were together most of the day. At one point we played a rousing game of Dinosaur Island, which you really seem to love. We stand some of your animal toys in a circle around the rug in your bedroom, and you knock them down one by one after I've had each one tease your totem animal, a plastic tiger. Then we had some wrestling and messing around, always good for a few laughs. Later, Mom made us meatloaf for dinner, but you didn't eat much. I made a fire in the fireplace earlier this afternoon, using wood that came from our own trees, whose limbs were felled by the freak ice storm in October. It was somehow primally satisfying. And now seven hours later, there's still a few embers glowing and ticking. Mom put you to bed before June tonight, then I put June to bed. You two are a lot of work. I'm pretty sure the Tooth Fairy's already left a dollar under your pillow for that tooth of yours. Which reminds me: we've got to work on that grinding of yours--that poor tooth of yours was nearly worn down to a nub. Love, Dad

Welcome, 2012...

My dear boy,

I've barely written to you for a long time now. I took some advice for someone who meant to help me, and I don't think it was the right thing to do. I'm kind of ashamed of myself. I want to to write regularly again, to write not just for you--so that I can record your history--but for myself as well, so I can remind myself what a blessing I have in the form of you, and in the form of your sister, my beloved baby girl June.

This past year might have been the worst year ever for our little family. The most major event was without doubt the death of my mother, your yia-yia. My poor mother had been in a steady health decline for years and ignored repeated entreaties from those around her to seek some help. Finally, almost exactly a year ago, she went to the hospital and never returned home. She suffered brutally, both mentally and physically for eight months, then died this past July 29. You and your sister made me so proud at her memorial. You both were wonderful and mature and the embodiment of loving little grandchildren.

That was the biggest thing, but there was also an earthquake, a hurricane, and a freak ice storm around Halloween that left nearly the entire state without power for close to a week. It was a stressful time for us, my little friend, and did I mention my two-months and counting struggle with bronchitis and your bout of pneumonia?

Today I went to the gym and did some cardio. When I came back we went to a park for a while, then we went to the raptor trust, where we saw some cool birds. We came home, had dinner, played some Wii, had a bath, then went to bed. You've got this front tooth that's hanging by a thread for two days now. Hope it comes out soon. Tomorrow June goes back to school, but you go the next day. We set you guys up with humidifiers this year, so we'll see how that works out. Sometimes you get so dry and stuffy your lips crack like desert hardpan.

I feel good writing to you again, Nick. I missed doing it a lot.

Love,
Dad