Breathing...

Dear Nicky,

Nothing much went on today. The weather was pretty dreary, so we couldn't go anywhere. Your grandpop came over for a visit, which was a nice surprise. Sometimes when you sleep you do this little whinny as you breathe. It sounds like some kind of apnea type of thing, which does worry us a little bit. But it's mostly after you've eaten, I now realize, and am less worried than I was when I began this note. See, kid, everything associated with you turns to gold. Try to breathe regular as much as possible, though, okay? It's not like Mom and I don't have enough to worry about, okay?

Love,
Dad

It's you...

Dear Nicky,

I have you in my arms right this very moment. I just fed you, and I'm holding you upright to make sure you keep it all down. You're asleep right now, snoozing away, and occasionally sighing in your sleep. Sometimes when I look at you, you must sense it, because one little eye will crack open briefly to check things out before settling back to dreamland. You are just the sweetest little kid I've ever known, and you're strong, too; sometimes you squirm and stretch so powerfully when I'm holding you it's like trying to handle a big fish or something. Other times, when you're passed out from milk, you're like a boned fish, all rubbery and slippery as an eel. But you're just the best, regardless.

Love,
Dad

The big sleep...

Dear Nicky,

Today we took you to Dr. Ward, who weighed you and found you to be eight pounds, nine ounces. This is a twelve-ounce increase over the course of ten days and is better than the ounce-per-day calculation for gauging baby growth. This is very good news for many reasons. First, it indicates your well being, your overall health. You heart defect does not interfere with your ability to take in nutrition and put on weight. That is such a load off our minds. And second, it means that now that we know for sure that you can eat well and let us know when you're hungry, we can let you sleep through the night, which means we can sleep through the night, or at least I can go to bed a lot earlier than I have been. For this relief, much thanks.

Love,
Dad

Another visitor...

Dear Nicky,

Our good friend Tammy came over today to see you. She is so nice, and seeing her was good for your mother's spirits. She brought us lots of presents for you and Mom. I didn't get any, but she did bring us some good food and helped with the dishes. Now that's what I call a friend. And of course like all women, she was crazy about you. She held you and cuddled you and I think she changed your diaper, too. She must really like you, pal.

Love,
Dad

Healthy appetite...

Dear Nicky,

Not much went on today. There were no doctor's appointments. I didn't go anywhere, but you and Mom went for a walk. I got out of bed this morning and went looking for you guys, but I couldn't find you, so I thought I had walked right past you in the other room. Then I realized you guys were out. I didn't even have a moment's worry, because I knew that if there had been anything wrong your mom would have woken my sorry butt up, and none too gently, I might add. Tomorrow we'll probably give you a bath. Start wrapping your mind around that.

Love,
Dad

Pounding it...

Dear Nicky,

You're really starting to put away the grub. Mother's milk or formula, you don't seem to care which it is, as long as there's plenty of it. And, you know me, so you know it makes me happy when you eat. Also, very thoughtful on your part I might add, you let us know the very second you feel any hunger whatsoever. In fact, so far that's the only reason you've cried about anything--you want something to eat. And when you want it, you want it now. Mom and I are trying to work some tummy time into your schedule every day, but you cry a lot when we put you face down, and we don't yet have that necessary indifference to your cries to keep you there for any length of time. We'll eventually have to steel ourselves and do it, because it helps you develop your back and neck muscles, imperative for holding your own head up. Sorry in advance, kid.

Love,
Dad

Tough day...

Dear Nicky,

I worry about your mother some days, today being one of them. We have enough problems and things to worry about, yet she goes to great lengths to find more. I'm trying very hard to be patient with her; she's been through a lot, but she's not the only one. I'm sorry if I sound down tonight, Nick. I'm just extremely tired.

Love,
Dad

Good little kid...

Dear Nicky,

Our friend Suzanne came by to see you today. Like everybody else, she thought you were great. You seemed to like her, too. You made good eye contact and almost went to sleep resting against her chest. Then Mom's parents came by and visited for a while, which always makes Mom happy. They adored you, also. And that was it. It was kind of a blah day outside, and since we've been running around to doctors' appointments all week, we didn't go anywhere today. Sometimes it's a nice break to not go anywhere. You're such a good kid, though, we can take you anywhere, as long as we can feed you. You do demand instant service when it comes to eating. That's fine by us, kid; we're happy to take your order.

Love,
Dad

A day off from doctors...

Dear Nicky,

Today we didn't go to see any doctors, which was a nice break. We just sort of hung out most of the day. Mom and I gave you a nice bath this afternoon. I think you liked it a lot. It feels good to be clean, doesn't it? We took some more photos of you because you were looking darn good. There was this one where you looked so cute and thoughtful your mom had to send it to everyone on her mailing list. Sometimes, Mom and I sort of pause just to marvel at the intensity of our feelings for you. It's actually pretty awesome, but then again, so are you.

Love,
Dad

Some good news...

Dear Nicky,

Today you saw Dr. Yeboa, who told us your good muscle tone and high physical activity levels are very positive indicators for healthy brain development. That's nice to hear. It's hard for my parents to hear or assimilate much of anything that's happened recently, however. But I'm sure they'll go crazy over you just like everybody else.

Love,
Dad

Bighearted little fellow...

Dear Nicky,

Well, my boy, your heart has a hole in it. It's as indisputable as it is incomprehensible. We took you to New York Presbyterian and spent the afternoon getting you EKG'd and echocardiogramed. You and Mom were so good together, the way you comforted each other. The good news is you're in no immediate danger and that your heart is fixable. Amazing how the rug was just completely pulled out from under us practically overnight, isn't it? I just want you to be healthy, happy, and not in any discomfort. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, God thought so.

Love,
Dad

Hey, fatty...

Dear Nicky,

Mom and I are feeling a lot better, because when we went to the doctor today, she told us you gained about four ounces, which is about an ounce a day since we really started shoveling it into you. You're almost an eight pounder! The doctors were really nice, and they told us nice things about you. Man, that is good to hear. Also, I parked next to a hydrant with my wallet in plain view on the passenger seat, and I did not get a ticket, nor did anyone break into the car and steal my wallet. How do you like that?

Love,
Dad

A week of doctors...

Dear Nicky,

Sorry, little pal, but this week nobody's getting any rest. Tomorrow we go see Dr. Ward, who's going to weigh you, and either she'll put our minds to rest about your weight gain, or exacerbate our anxiety further. Who knows? Tuesday we go see Dr. Solo about your heart, Wednesday Dr. Yeboa the geneticist about your karyotype, Thursday we have off, and Friday we go to have your hearing checked again. I really hope your hearing is okay. It's just a small thing to ask for, one less thing to anguish about, but it'd be nice if you could hear well out of both ears. That way I wouldn't have to worry about yelling at you in only your good ear (just kidding).

Love,
Dad

Tiring...

Dear Nicky,

I'm a little worried about Mom, because she absolutely cannot handle any tiredness, and here we are with a little creature who, to be honest, makes us a little tired, at least at present. I understand that you are supposed to require quite a bit of maintenance; you're not even three weeks old yet. Mom understands this, too, but frankly I think she has postpartum depression, which in anyone else would be bad enough, but your mother has been under a huge strain. So, basically, I think that's why she gets that thousand-yard stare. You can help out by eating a lot and sleeping a lot and crying very little. That'd be nice.

Love,
Dad

Nothing we didn't know...

Dear Nicky,

The geneticist called us earlier today to confirm the results of the blood karyotype we had done two weeks ago. The results were what we expected, but not what we had hoped. I guess we were all still waiting on a miracle. Looking at you I can't believe there's anything wrong with you, let alone Down syndrome. Mom and I think you're a fantastic looking little kid, and we know you're going to be a fantastic person.

Love,
Dad

Gotta run--to feed you...

Dear Nicky,

Just a brief post tonight; I have to get some food in you. We've been stuffing your gob like crazy today because we were scared by Dr. Ward into thinking we're not feeding you enough, so I got to go now and get your chow ready. You seem to be chowing down most excellently, by the way, but at night you are extremely hard to wake. May God bless and keep you and Mom.

Love,
Dad

Eat more...

Dear Nicky,

Today we took you to see Dr. Ward again. She said you seem really good, except for the fact that you should have gained more weight. This was fairly discouraging news for your mother and me, but it's all just the cherry on top of the sundae as far as all things are considered. We're going to try and stuff you full of food over the course of the next few days, so do us a favor and eat a lot and get fat like a Christmas goose (but don't grow feathers!). We also spoke to Doctor Yeboa, the pediatric geneticist, who's waiting on the results of your karyotype. Let's hope these test results aren't lost or messed up like all the other ones we've had done at Roosevelt. Not that it really matters, but we're just curious, is all. May God bless and keep you, my little boy, my lionheart.

Love,
Dad

Alert little fellow...

Dear Nicky,

Today was a nice calm day. It was beautiful outside, but we didn't end up going out for a walk. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was a little chilly, or maybe Mom and I are still kind of scrambled in the head and can't think quite right just yet. All day today, up until four or five, you were quite awake. You'd take little catnaps after a snack, but not very deep ones. You were up and active. I put you on this play thing on the floor, and it's got these arches from which dangled some chimes. You were really good with them, knocking and batting them around. You make good eye contact and look very smart and curious. Tomorrow, we go back to Doctor Ward. We hope your health continues to stay good and that you've gained a lot of weight. May God bless and keep you, Big Nick.

Love,
Dad

Oops, my bad...

Dear Nicky,

Today I gave you too much to eat for lunch. You usually eat two ounces of milk, but today you consumed those two so easily, I gave you another ounce, which you also chugged with little apparent effort. Unfortunately, a little while later while lying in your bassinet you spat up all over. It must've hurt, too. Maybe it went down the wrong pipe or up into your sinuses. You were crying really badly. You cried so hard, your umbilical cord stump fell off as I was trying to hold you in a way that would help you burp. Mom and I were really scared. Mom called Dr. Ward, while I broke out into a sweat trying to soothe you. The doctor was very reassuring, however, and soon you were calm and comfortable again, so much so that we went for a nice walk. We didn't walk for long, because it was cold, but I like any opportunity to go any place with my little family. May God bless and keep you, Nicholas.

Love,
Dad

Nice long walk...

Dear Nicky,

Today was a beautiful day, and we took you for a nice long walk along the river. Everybody who saw you commented on how cute you are. We walked for almost two hours, just strolling around the park nice and slow, getting plenty of fresh air and sunshine. You were out like a light from the instant we went outside. The walk did Mom a world of good, too. She's getting better and stronger every day, as are you. Tonight I made beef stew for dinner. It wasn't the best cuts of meat, I guess, but it was still pretty good. Mom ate quite a bit, which makes me happy. During the day, we give you breast milk; at night we give you formula. Sometimes I have to work on you quite a bit to wake you up enough to eat, but that's okay. I like feeding you because it's fun and you're so cute. Or maybe I just have a need, a need to feed. May God bless and keep you, little Nicky.

Love,
Dad

Everybody's crazy about you...

Dear Nicky,

You had lots of visitors today. Your Mom's parents, sisters, brother, and brother-in-law all came to see you. They passed you around like a football, and you loved it. The girls especially went insane over you because you are extremely cute. I'll bet you're going to be a real ladykiller when you get older. Mom showed everybody some of your outfits while your grandad watched some golf on TV. Your Uncle Matt and Aunt Erin did a catering job today and brought us some ham and cheese croissants and some beef tenderloin on olive rolls. Delicious. Sometimes your mom's spirits are up, and sometimes they're down. Hormones, y'see. She occasionally feels frustrated, thinking she's not producing enough milk for you. I tell her not to worry; you've only just got here. Her body needs to rest and recover from what she went through. If only she, and the world, would listen more to me, everything would be perfect. May God bless and keep you, my son.

Love,
Dad

Hope you feel okay...

Dear Nicky,

You are eight days old. You're doing great. But Mom and I have a little scratchy throat. We hope you don't, because we're pretty worried about your health these first few weeks. But you're like miracle baby so far. And in case you can't tell, Mom's gaining more and more confidence nursing. You've brought us so many miracles thus far. May God bless and keep you, my sweet baby boy.

Love,
Dad

Well, well, well...

Dear Nicky,

Please excuse me for not writing to you last night. It was the second night of your arrival with us, and Mom and I were extremely tired. As I've mentioned, we've all been under a great deal of stress, and we're pretty wiped out, both emotionally and physically, so when your mom suggested we lie down for a minute, it sounded mighty good to me. The next thing I knew it was morning. I thought about maybe doing some messing around with the dates on this journal so that it would seem like I've never missed a post, but I decided against it, reasoning that whatever happened did so for a reason. There's a kind of appealing quality involved. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but, in my mind, there's some mysterious beauty going on. In other news, we took you to see the wonderful Doctor Cathy Ward today. We found a parking space right in front of her building, which I considered a great sign. Their office space is a little bit on the dumpy side, kind of run down, but her staff seemed nice (they knew enough to make us wait separate from the other babies), and Ward herself is just so darn nice and encouraging I feel like kissing her hand in gratitude. Every time we see her, she has a little bit nicer news. When she checked you today, you weighed four more ounces than you did when we brought you home. That's quite rare, as most babies lose weight the few first days out of the hospital, and it's quite an accomplishment on your part, my little boy. I think you're going to be quite a wondrous handful, a rare and true gift, and the greatest thing that's ever happened to Mom and me. We're crazy about you, buddy. May God bless and keep you.

Love,
Dad