My little one, alone in the world...

Dear Nick, I've got to do better for you. I must try and be a better father. I must be more patient. This is my confession. I get so angry sometimes. I forget your challenges and get frustrated with an apparent lack of effort. Or I magnify your challenges into an insurmountable colossus where any effort is futile. You're not trying to be difficult, I know this. You can't help it. I try to be good, but when I fail, I can't help it either. All I can do is start again, and forgive myself and forgive you, and hope that you forgive me too. Love, Dad

It was "Yellow Submarine"...

"I have dreamed a dream, but now that dream is gone from me." My darling Nicky, I feel guilt and self-loathing for having abandoned this blog. I'm ashamed to admit it makes me feel like I've abandoned you, and my attitude toward you lately is disgraceful. For a while now, your behavior has been challenging. I often run out of patience and snap or get really angry. I forget that you don't do things on purpose to be frustrating. I live in fear that my heart will grow harder and harder. Earlier today we had a lot of laughs wrestling in bed--you, me, and June, and tonight you specifically asked me to lay in your bed, something that hasn't happened in a long time. I complied, and after I sang you the Goodnight Nicky song, I asked if you wanted to hear "Yellow Submarine," a song I've sung to both my children since their infancy. So many memories came back, so many tender feelings, such depth of love... I haven't been doing my best consistently. I'm going to try and do better. The greatest lesson I learned from my mother's death is that parents fail more than they succeed but that doesn't mean they love their children any less. Even more important, the only things you have control over in life is forgiving the people most important to you, and forgiving yourself. Since you are the soul of forgiveness, I'll try to really earn it. Thank you for being in my life. Love, Dad