A new club record...

Dear Nicky,

Well, my boy, you sure can eat. Today was thirty-two big ounces. You're getting to a point where you consume more ounces in fewer feedings. This is most impressive. I predict that you'll sleep later than usual tomorrow, and maybe have a lighter day in terms of ounces consumed. Thirty-two ounces! The Roundses came over to see you this evening, and they brought some books and a music CD. Mary Jo stayed about an hour and John stayed about four. They just marveled at you. I almost forgot to mention how great you were today during tummy time. You kept your head turned left for quite a while, because I kept ringing the chimes in your Gymini. (Mom and I are a little worried that you keep your head turned toward the right too much.) During tummy time you work out very hard and lifting your head quite well. We were also quite pleased with the way you were grabbing a rattle and bringing it to your mouth. Like I've been saying, Nick: you make me proud for something different every day.

Love,
Dad

Memorial Day...

Dear Nicky,

Today was your first Memorial Day. Mom took you out to Granny's for the day. It sounds like you had a lot of fun, and got to spend a little time with your girl cousins. I stayed home, just because I felt like hanging out here. I missed you, of course, but I wanted to get some serious time in at the gym. Y'see, I've been eating kind of poorly as of late: lots of sugars and starches and empty calories, and I've gained a lot of weight, which is not good. So I'm trying to lose some, especially now that we're going to the beach in about five weeks. It ain't easy, but nothing worthwhile is. And that uses up my feel-good cliche of the day.

Love,
Dad

Missed you...

Dear Nicky,

Today you and Mom went out to see your grandparents from her side of the family. It was pleasant enough to be alone in the house for the first time since before you were, I suppose, but I missed you both terribly. You guys are my little family, and I was lonely for you. This was the first time ever Mom took you on a ride, just the two of you, and I was a little nervous, but everything went fine, and you spent the afternoon among people that adored you. And then you guys came home without a hitch, which is also great. I liked it a lot when you two came through the front door.

Love,
Dad

No fever...

Dear Nicky,

Today your fever is gone, and Mom and I are much relieved. All things considered, with all the things you've been through, you are one tough, healthy little kid. You further impressed us because now you're bringing your hands together in front of you. Apparently this is another milestone and a very good sign. We're so proud of you, Nick, so proud of your development, so proud of the fiestiness you display all the time. We just wish we could get more burps out of you, and we wish that we were better at doing so. Sometimes we fail at getting the gas out of you and you vomit. That's no big deal; babies throw up all the time. It's just a little distressing to see. Maybe you can work on it from your end.

Love,
Dad

Day after the shots...

Dear Nicky,

This morning you ran a temperature as a result of the shots you got yesterday. I'm sorry to say we (meaning I) had to take your temperature rectally. You had a low-grade fever, and we gave you some infant Tylenol. Despite the fever, your appetite never faltered. Man, you can eat. Later, a woman came over from Early Intervention to evaluate you. The evaluation consisted of her mostly asking us if we thought you did this, and if we thought that you did that, etc. She was nice enough, and it's nice to get the ball rolling on this endeavor. You're about to meet a whole new bunch of people, Nick. She spent a good amount of time with us, and when she finally left, after making you vomit from too much activity, we took your temperature again and we're delighted to see your temp go down. You're very strong, my boy, and I'm proud of you for something different every day.

Love,
Dad

Two months old...!

Dear Nicky,

Happy Birthday, you're two months old today. For a treat we got you a bunch of shots. I think they hurt us more than they did you, although you certainly didn't seem to like them. The thing is, I think you're a really tough little kid. When you got the shots, you seemed to cry out more in anger than in pain. Unfortunately, later, when we got you home, you did cry out in pain, which breaks our hearts. But you seem to be resting peacefully now, so we're guardedly optimistic that everything's going to be okay and there won't be any reactions to this cocktail of immunizations you received today. Sleep well. You're father is with you.

Love,
Dad

Say ouch...

Dear Nicky,

Tomorrow we go back to the pediatrician, this time for all your immunizations. Well, not all of them, but most of them, a large number. You're going to get stuck, I'm afraid, but it's necessary. I hope there's no side effects, which is always a risk. I also hope it's not too painful. I'll be right there with you, son. Your father is always with you.

Love,
Dad

Strong little tyke...

Dear Nicky,

We know you don't like tummy time, and we know it's hard for you, but trust us when we tell you it's good for you. It strengthens the muscles in your neck and back that will enable you to hold your own head up eventually. Sometimes, though, you really tackle it like a champ. This morning, for instance, I thought you were going to lever yourself onto your left side, so strongly were you pushing with your right arm. Recently you discovered that putting your hands down in a pushup position makes for more effective exertions. Yesterday it looked you were just about to stand up. The thing is, all babies' heads are so large in relation to the rest of their bodies, their heads probably account for half their body weight, so that's why you might be having difficulty lifting that large and shapely melon of yours. But don't worry, Mom and I won't let you quit; we're planning on giving you lots of tummy time in the foreseeable future. No need to thank us.

Love,
Dad

Slideshow...

Dear Nicky,

This evening I made a slideshow presentation of some pictures we have of all of us. It wasn't anything fancy. I just did it on a whim. It showed a kind of familial evolution, with you as the star of the show. I set it to music with this song called "Only Time" by Enya. It came out pretty well, I think. Your mom and I both cried because it was so sweet. It just served to show us the depths of our emotions, our feelings for you. But I think we've only scratched the surface. You transmogrify us on a daily basis, my son, my heart.

Love,
Dad

Tummy botherin' ya...?

Dear Nicky,

Today your poop was green for most of the day, and late in the day you seemed to have some gas pain, which made you cry. You overall food consumption is still quite impressive. You eat very efficiently these days. I hope our eliminating the midnight feeding isn't a hardship for you. We want you to grow, grow, grow. But we don't want to turn you into a little fatty. You also threw up earlier, due to a massive burp that we couldn't get out, and even though we know that it's perfectly fine for babies to throw up now and then, man oh man, we still don't like it. You're sleeping soundly now. That's just one of the many, many great things about you is your nighttime sleeping behavior thus far. It's simply amazing. You look like a little angel while you sleep, and we're the envy of everybody we talk to when we tell them you sleep through the night.

Love,
Dad

No trouble...

Dear Nicky,

We tend to worry about you a lot, but that doesn't have to do with anything you've done so far. You're absolutely no trouble. We went for a nice long walk today and got you lots of fresh air. You slept peacefully in your stroller the whole time. Mom and I got some tasty tuna fish sandwiches at this place up the street. You had your usual drink.

Love,
Dad

Your smiles...

Dear Nicky,

When you smile at me or Mom it makes me glad to be alive. I know you're my kid, my first child at that, so I'm going to be biologically predisposed to you, of course. But everybody else who meets you goes nuts over you. You have a variety of smiles in your repertoire already: sly grins, sleepy smiles, hesitant smiles, quick grins, and big, slow face-crinkling, exuberant smiles. They're great things to see, and they work their magic on anyone that's lucky enough to see them. With your charms, you should consider being a movie star or president of the United States.

Love,
Dad

Happy seven week birthday...!

Dear Nicky,

You're seven weeks old today. You've gained almost three pounds since birth, and you're doing great. Your mom is high as a kite on you. You are our drug of choice. You're eating well, sleeping well, and developing well all around. This is all very heartening news. Today you woke up happy, ate a lot, took a nap while Mom went to the gyno to get checked out. All's well. We gave you twenty minutes of tummy time broken up into two ten-minute packages. We went for a nice walk on a beautiful day. Then I ran some errands and came back to my little family. You've got a crush on this red bandanna of yours. You can even grab it and pull it to you, which I understand is advanced behavior for a little tyke.

Love,
Dad

Goodhearted boy...

Dear Nicky,

We went to the cardiologist today. You got an EKG and an echo and were so good during them you fell asleep. Then the doc checked you out. Your heart's still got a defect, but at least it hasn't gotten any worse. You go back in about three months. Most kids with heart defects have a hard time gaining weight, but you're doing just great. You're a strong little kid. Coming back we took the GWB, which wasn't bad at all. Traffic was still pretty heavy, but not New York heavy. Now we have no doctors for over a week. It's like a vacation.

Love,
Dad

Kitchen's closed...

Dear Nicky,

Tonight we'll see just how much of a sound sleeper you are. We last fed you at about 7:30 or so, and that's it for today. Don't hate us, buddy. The doctor we went to yesterday said we don't need to wake you for feeding in the middle of the night. You've more than convinced us that you can put on weight and that you are more than capable of letting us know when you're hungry, so we're going to give it a try. I hope it works out. It'd be great for you to go to sleep at eight at night and then want a feeding in the morning. No midnight feedings means I can go to bed as soon as this post is done, which is now.

Love,
Dad

Nice news...

Dear Nicky,

Today we went to see Doctor Moscowicz in New Providence. He, like everyone who meets you, was very impressed. Whenever a new doctor takes a good look at you, he or she always asks if you've been karyotyped. And why not? You look good, you sound good, you're alert and active. He said we might not have to wake you at midnight to feed you anymore because he doesn't want you getting fat. He also said you seem like a typical kid in many ways, and in other ways you're ahead of the curve in comparison with other kids. He also gave us the name of a geneticist out in New Jersey. He wants all three of us to get our blood tested, you know--for fun. So there's yet another doctor we're going to meet, another doc for you to impress. We're probably going to go exclusively to him for your general pediatric care, even though I do like that Dr. Ward. Both she and Dr. Moscowicz seem nice and competent, but it really is easier to get out to New Providence and back from there, than it is to get into Manhattan and back again. The last time we were in Manhattan, it took us two hours to get home, what with the traffic. And with the parking, it's crazy.

Love,
Dad

I like you when...

Dear Nicky,

Sometimes you'll smile in your sleep, or stretch and grunt like a little old man when I'm feeding you. At night when you're alseep, you sometimes get a puffy, well fed look on your face. Other times you'll marvel at my face. Just as Mom and I marvel at everything about you.

Love,
Dad

Chow down...

Dear Nicky,

Wow, you sure can eat. It's fantastic the way you scream your head off when you're the slightest bit hungry and the way you attack a bottle to get milk. Mom and I love that you're not a kid that just lies there, mewling weakly for something we can't understand. So far so good for you, pal. Today, Mom's parents stopped by for a visit on the way to see a Broadway show. I took my first shower in three days. You, me, and Mom then went for a nice walk down on the promenade. We came home and gave you some tummy time, which you despise. It works you into a frenzy and it gives us no pleasure, but it's necessary to develop your little baby muscles, so drop and give me twenty, mister!

Love,
Dad

Pleasantly boring...

Dear Nicky,

We didn't do too much today. We went out for just a little bit because it was a lot cooler outside than we thought. Mostly we hung out. You ate some, slept some, pooped some. Not very original, but that's just fine by me.

Love,
Dad

I see you...

Dear Nicky,

Today we went to the eye doctor, a nice guy named Dr. Koty. He checked your eyes out and everything was fine, which is so great to hear. He sprayed some solution in your eyes, which took us all by surprise because it seemed so harsh and abrupt. It was necessary, though. It dialated your pupils so he could look inside your eyes. You didn't like it, that's for sure. You kept batting his hands away angrily whenever he'd try to open your eyes. Good for you, Nick. You've got the heart of a fighter, of a tiger!

Love,
Dad

Tummy time...

Dear Nicky,

We're giving you more and more of a workout these days. This morning we gave you a solid ten minutes of tummy time. You didn't hate it as much as usual, but that doesn't mean anything. It's supposed to be really good for you because it'll help you strengthen your neck muscles and enable you to hold your head up all by yourself. As a matter of fact, we gave you ten minutes in the morning and then five later in the afternoon. We make a bottle ready to go because you usually get put on your belly, wriggle and squirm for a bit, have a meltdown, and then demand to be fed. You were also quite demanding this early evening, when you let out a long, piercing scream that made me fear that someone was going to call child services or something. Wow, can you scream!

Love,
Dad

Hi, big boy...

Dear Nicky,

Today we went out to New Providence to meet another pediatrician, Dr. Moskowitz. Apparently, there was some miscommunication, because we thought we were going to get you checked out, and he thought we were there for just an initial "how do you do"/get to meet each other type of thing, so basically today was a waste of time, except for the fact that we weighed you on an electronic scale and found you to be over ten pounds. Ten pounds, three ounces to be exact. Even if we deduct half a pound for clothes, dirty diaper, and a belly full of formula, that's still quite a gain, so it looks like you have no problem gaining weight, which means your so-called heart defect isn't getting in the way of that. So, we're happy. And guess what--we're going back out there on Monday. Yippee!

Love,
Dad

Big smiles...

Dear Nicky,

Today, everybody's smiling, especially you. You smile huge when Mom plays with you (although for some reason you gave a giant scream at her at one point this afternoon), and you often smile at me in your sleep at night when I feed you. So yesterday there was some anxiety over your feeding. Today you ate well because we left you to your own devices and fed you on demand. And we went for a nice long walk in some beautiful weather. So Mom was smiling because of all that. And I was smiling because of all that plus Mom's mother is mad at her (because of something that happened at the first Star Wars movie) and she didn't call all day, so that was a real cause of smiling. Just kidding.

Love,
Dad

Mother's Day...

Dear Nicky,

Today was a little hard on your old man because your mother was driving him crazy. You see, we're still adjusting to having a new baby, which is terrifying enough, but couple that with the uncertainties involved with your health and such, and it's a testament to the strength of our will, character, and love for you that our heads haven't exploded. So anyway, what it boils down to is that we both have up days and down days, and they aren't predictable and they aren't consistent. And either one of us can have them. Your Mom's tend to be a little more pronounced, however, since she honestly has never really known pain and fear before all this. I grew up with it, on the other hand, so I was a bit better equipped. But when your Mom keeps trying to find something else wrong with your health everytime these moods come on her, it's really exhausting. Today she was concinved you were too tired and not eating well because of your heart condition. I must also stress at this point that none of this reflects on how we feel about you. You are our gift and our treasure and we will always feel that way. Read that last sentence again, and believe it. Anyway, today was Mother's Day, so we had to go out to Mom's parents, which meant dealing with traffic coming and going. Everybody was there, dying to see you, which meant dealing with everybody. Your cousins met you for the first time and loved you. Now if you only don't get sick from them, everything'll be great. When we finally got home, you ate a bunch of formula at nice clip, so Mom's feeling better now. Me, I'm just glad to be in our home with my little family.

Love,
Dad

Lots of visitors...

Dear Nicky,

Today your Uncle Matt, Aunt Sarah, Granny, and Grandpop all came over to see you. Aunt Suzanne came over, too. She's not a blood relation, but she's one of Mom's oldest friends, and I like her a lot, also, so we consider her family. Mom made chili. It was good and spicy, just the way I like it. Suzanne was the last to go. Hanging out and talking with her was really nice because it reminded us that we're still all regular people. Tomorrow is Mother's Day, a made-up holiday that we must all pay obeisance to. Don't worry; I got Mom a card and signed your name. I don't think she'll be able to tell you didn't sign it.

Love,
Dad

Beat...

Dear Nicky,

Sorry I'm so brief tonight. I'm just too tired. You're great and we love you a lot!

Love,
Dad

Stepping Stones...

Dear Nicky,

Today we went to check out a special school. It looked like the people that ran it really cared about kids and new what they were doing. It made us sad a little bit, too. Some of those kids had significant physical manifestations of T21. We're going to send you there in July. On the way home we got lost and it was really stressful.

Love,
Dad

Too much food...?

Dear Nicky,

Today you yakked up some milk twice. Both times seemed fairly substantial. And each it felt like it was driven by massive gas. That sort of thing freaks me out, so we'll have to figure something out. I still think I'll give Dr. Ward a call tomorrow and ask her about it. You don't like it either, I can tell, especially when it comes out of your nose. Also tomorrow we (meaning me) are going to drive out to Livingstone to go check out some early intervention place called Stepping Stone. I hope we can find it, and I hope it's worth it. I hope you feel better.

Love,
Dad

Mondays, meh...

Dear Nicky,

Today was a fine day where not much happened. Your mom and you went to meet this other woman that lives in Hoboken who also has a son with Trisomy 21. I happily stayed behind to do laundry and stuff like that and also to take a shower. Mom was very happy when you guys came back, because the lady was very nice and also because you...well, you seemed so much better off than the other kid with T21 that was there. You were more active and alert and healthier looking, which was great for Mom because, to be honest, we're still adrift in a stormy sea when it comes to how worried we are about you. I do feel bad for the other kid and his mom; maybe she's a strong woman, but if my kid were toward the more pronounced end of the T21 spectrum and I met a woman whose kid looks extremely normal (like you do) I'd feel pretty sad, my friend. I think any parent, if they're a good parent, feels real pain whenever their kid has to struggle with anything. I know we do, and I also know in my heart your struggles won't be so bad, because you're a smart, strong, brave, and wonderful little kid.

Love,
Dad

Walkabout...

Dear Nicky,

For a couple hours today, it was just you and me out on the streets, doing our thing. We went to the bank and the post office, and then we walked around down by the water and up around the park. You and I agreed that Mom needed a couple hours of peace and quiet to do some work-related stuff, so we split. It wasn't such a great day, but I think you were plenty warm in your stroller. You were pretty much asleep for most of the time. The few instances you did make a few peeps, I stuck a bottle or a pacifier in your yap and went right back to sleep. I appreciate that, and I hope we have as nice a time together the next time. Your mom's taking you somewhere tomorrow, so no one can say you don't get around.

Love,
Dad

Burgers on Sunday...

Dear Nicky,

Today your Aunt Erin came over to see you. She's crazy about you. She stayed with us for a while, then we all took you out for a nice walk down by the water, then we had lunch at this restaurant that's downstairs in our building. I had a burger. Man, I love a good burger. We came back up and gave you some formula. You seem to like it, so bully for you.

Love,
Dad