Sometimes...

Dear Nicky, Sometimes I'm too hard on myself, and you, and your sister. I worry that I'm not up to snuff, that i'm inadequate for the task of fatherhood, that when you and your sister display minor, infrequent traits of bad or merely typical behavior, it will snowball into alienation and hardship later in life. Thinking liked that is called catastrophizing. It means imagining and expecting the worst, and it's wasteful and unnecessary and I wish I didn't do it, but being aware that I do do it is a kind of victory, I suppose. It's good because when I'm aware of it, I can catch myself and correct myself. Now today was a pretty great day for me dadwise. It was cold and gloomy and my back has been killing me all day, but June wanted to go sledding and I took you both, somewhat reluctantly, to this nearby school where there's a nice stretch of hill. We got all bundled up, loaded up our sled, and off we went. Mom stayed home to work on a manuscript. Honestly, it was a little work because you are somewhat clumsy all bundled up and you're kind of soft and squishy when it comes to holding on to things, so you and I made every ride downhill together. But June merely required a little verbal instruction and she took to it instantly and fearlessly. And you know what? It was fun for all of us. You both were so thrilled at sledding that your behavior was just excellent, inspiring, and pride-swelling. Despite the cold and my backache, we stayed for two hours, sliding down the hill, then trudging back up, over and over again, enthusiastic and brave. It really felt good to be with you guys this afternoon. Love, Dad